I just want to talk to you about someone…

Have you ever come across a situation where somebody was acting in a way toward you or others that you felt wasn’t right? Have you ever felt that you needed to report this to someone like their Pastor or Team Leader? Or maybe someone approached you with this.

How have YOU handled situations like this?

I often get calls from a sincerely concerned person or leader, “about someone” who has done something considered to be outside of acceptable norms.

I always ask the same question first:

“Have YOU spoken to Him/Her about this?”

I have written out the reasons fo this response below, because even though approaching someone, with something they did wrong is hard, Jesus instructs us ALL to do it. So I trust this will help guide you to love people enough to talk to them about such instances.

Matt18 reveals how the Bible advises us to handle it when we feel someone did us wrong.

““If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.””

Matthew 18:15-20 NLT

https://www.bible.com/116/mat.18.15-20.nlt

3 Important learnings:

1. The heart with which you approach the person is important. Note v15 concludes with: “…you have won the person back.” The desire and attitude of heart should be to win the person back, to reconcile and restore, not to catch them out and make them feel bad. Bringing judgemental accusation against them won’t win them back. Only a loving attempt to help them succeed will. If you wish to see them lose or suffer, you are not acting in the Spirit of forgiveness and restitution and therefore you are not being lead by the Holy Spirit.

2. The process you follow is important. Note, in v15-17 that as soon as the person listens, NO ONE else needs to know what happened. It is considered dealt with, unless their actions make it evident that they didn’t really take to heart what you confronted them about. (Grace and forgiveness in this stage is important because we all take time to adjust and change habitual behavior).

If the person doesn’t receive your exhortation take the next step to bring someone along and lovingly address the same issue, taking care that point no.1 is in tact in your own hearts.

BUT How do I find someone to come with me to confront the person, without feeling like I’m gossipping or back stabbing? The answer to this is simple: Only ever share up, never share with those whom you lead or with peers. So go to your immediate leader or to the immediate leader of this person. Important: THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO TEST YOUR PERSPECTIVE. If the leader agrees with you, you know that you are not just personally seeing or experiencing things due to an error or wrong perspective in your own life.

Now you both can approach this person together, with the same heart as in point no.1. If it’s clear at that point, that they do not receive what you are trying to help them with, ONLY then is it time to bring it to the Church. CHURCH DENOTES CHURCH LEADERSHIP, Not just anybody at church but the appropriate leader who presides over the area that the person serves in. The reason this is important is because Love covers instead of exposing a person’s sin, weaknesses and offenses. Peter tells us that “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1Peter 4:8). He echoes the proverb, “Hatred stirs up strife but love covers all sins” (Proverbs 10:12). Hate makes us expose someone’s sins and build up a case against them to accuse and even remove them instead of lovingly confront and restore them. By first talking directly to them we show that we love them and wish to deal with things privately.

If after following the whole process, they refuse to listen to the Church Leadership, the scripture reads:

“If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

What does it mean to treat that person as a pagan or a tax collector?

In keeping with the spirit of forgiveness and restoration, how do we do this in real life?

Well, first of all we must remember that Jesus loves all pagans and that he died for them. He served them, healed them, continued to teach them, and he prayed for them. He visited their houses, and ministered to them and their families. We should have the same heart as Christ did. And second, Paul admonishes us to not become unequally yoked with unbelievers. The reference to tax collectors here reminds us of their untrustworthiness. So where as we will love, pray, visit with and continue to teach them, we are not going to extend trust and take up a yoke together with them, i.e. let them participate with the same privileges as believers in our affairs. Privileges may include aspects like leadership, membership, participation, and even attendance depending on the severity of their offense. This is at the leadership’s discretion. Thus we will encourage them to participate like we encourage all unbelievers to participate by coming to repentance and making Jesus Lord of their lives. In real life however, this opportunity will be rare as not many will stick around when this level of discipline is applied. It stays however necessary. Which leads to the last point.

3. What is at stake is important. Note the bigger picture in play in v18-20. We get to co-rule and reign in this life through Christ if we lovingly correct one another. When we set a standard on earth by addressing wrong and unhealthy actions and behavior, we set that standard in the spiritual realm as well.

Since Satan’s only way to resist us is through playing manipulative mind games, once a standard has been set, our minds are clear as to what is good and and what is bad. Clear standards set boundaries for our thoughts which helps us govern our actions. Inversely, when we don’t correct each other, the standards relax more and more and the mind games of justification and manipulation abound.

Furthermore God’s desire for us to experience his presence is clearly seen in v20. What he needs though is our unity and agreement on matters. This is more than just for when we pray about things. When I harbour an issue against someone secretly, I cannot come into unity and agreement with that person and that affects the atmosphere around us. This disunity often frustrates prayers from being answered and breakthroughs from being entered into. This is so importantant for kingdom teams to realise and walk in. For we all desire God to be among us in powerful ways, and he desires the same!

Let us acknowledge this unity-creating-guide from God and adjust our lifestyles to apply this wisdom.